A conspiracy theory to rock your nether-regions.

There are a lot of things Grandma's are good for; knitting shit, baking shit, mending shit, and generally talking to you about all of the above. The last time i sat down with my Grandma over a dainty cup of Lady Grey however, I didn't expect that she would wow me with a conspiracy theory regarding the gender of one of the nation's most beloved celebrities. Out of the blue she started telling me about her very reliable source so and so who ASSURES her that Nicole Kidman was born a Hermaphrodite. I was intrigued, took another biscuit, and listened closely.

Dear ole Grandma it turns out, has the sweet connections, and knows a lady who was once a midwife, who claims to have been present at the birth of Nicole, who we shall now refer to by her gender non-specific name, 'Nick'. According to this lady, whose identity i will protect for fear of a resounding scandal.. 'Midwife McGee' if you will, Nick was born an 'it'. A she-male. A veritable earthworm of A-sexual astoundment.

As i dipped my sweet biscuit into my milky cup of love, i pondered on the credibility of such an accusation. Sure, Nick may be hailed by some as the embodiment of feminine grace and beauty, but hell, would you tap that? Didn't think so.

Let's break it down.

If Nicole is in fact Nick-with-a-dick, there would surely be some indications of this gender confusion, some clues as to the messed-up nature of mother nature's mess. Wait, woah, hold-up there, now that i think about it, there are some pretty ambiguous aspects of Nick's physical form.

Check it out:


There is only so much that make-up can hide, even when you are wearing enough to be able to have someone's initials carved into your face... To me, that jaw-line spells 'awkward amounts of testosterone for a lady', and we all know how flat-chested poor Nick used to be before her reputed enhancements. Let's not forget about her rake-like physique, enormous tootsies and general aura of androgyny.

Also, this theory would explain why her acting is so terrible...most of the time she is on set, she is probably pre-occupied by thoughts of 'holy shit am I a man or a woman?', or similar.

The most resounding evidence however to support the notion that Nick is indeed a confused lady-boy, is her choice of life-partners (we will call them that to keep this PC). Any sane woman, fueled by a healthy dose of Oestrogen would never be attracted to 'men' in the vein of Tom Cruise and Keith Urban. It is clearly biological, the 'a' enzyme does not lock in with the 'b' enzyme; they emit sour, off-putting pheremones; there is a weak, wussy, girlishness about these guys that screams 'DO NOT PROCREATE WITH ME!'. Yet Nick in her confused state, managed to single out not merely one, but two of these hideous phenomenons, IN A ROW. Tom then Keith. A horrible union of scrambled genitals on both accounts.

Need a visual?


(No photoshop needed)....

Compelling evidence, irrefutable arguments, SCIENTIFIC PROOF.

And to put the icing on this gender neutral cake, Nick's last name is a secret clue to her alternate existence... kidMAN. She was a MAN when she was a KID. Or perhaps, 'we KID you not, she is actually a MAN'. Either way, it must have been some kind of secret codename given to her by the Australian secret services at her time of birth, so only those savvy to the language would recognise her true identity. Now you are one of those people...decide what you will.

Great story Grandma!

- Katey