An open letter to Joaquin Phoenix

Dear Mr. Phoenix,

I dont usually watch Letterman (in fact I pretty much despise the man and his performances) but when I saw your name on the bill, I decided to give it a chance, thinking you might actually provide a decent interview.

Oh how right I was, but for all the wrong reasons.

What followed was 10 minutes of hilarity, that Im sure in your drug-addled state, you have no recollection of:



Now Joaquin (I think if Ive made the effort to learn how to spell your name properly, Ive earned the right to address you thusly), I enjoyed your roles in Gladiator and more recently We Own The Night very much, and I think youre quite the actor. Therefore I was much taken aback by your performance on the show.

Now you may be thinking that I, like many news outlets, am referring to your disheveled appearance, mumbling speech, and blatant disregard for interview etiquette and commitment to the film that you were supposed to be promoting.

You would be wrong in assuming that. I for one applaud you for sticking it to Letterman and his elitist jackass antics, and his obvious disdain for you as his guest.

No, my issue is with your latest career choice.

Joaquin, youre an actor. A successful Hollywood actor with (I assume) more than enough money, power and respect to either continue doing what youre doing (i.e. acting) or simply retire and live out the rest of your days smoking money, wearing money suits and sleeping atop a pile of money with beautiful women paid for with more of your money.

Or theoretically, you could choose to make a career changing decision that will likely cripple you not only financially, but in terms of your reputation, losing you the adoration and respect of millions of fans across the world.

You sir have chosen the latter.

I understand you were raised from birth by insane cultists who raped you repeatedly, and by no means do I pretend to understand the immense emotional trauma you likely go through every day of your waking life...

But hip hop Joaquin? Really?

Dont get me wrong, I support exploring your interests, and your singing in Walk The Line was surprisingly good but some things just aren't meant to be. Let me put it this way: the audience sure weren't laughing at Letterman's "wit" or physical comedy after your revelation. No Joaquin, they were laughing at you.

Now picture yourself at your opening night, the benefit for the release of your hip hop album (tentatively titled Joaquin: the Fire of the Phoenix). You step up to the mic, the beat drops and you kick a rhyme or two, or three. The next sound you hear will be that same laughter, that uncaring, scathing laughter, multiplied tenfold and directed right at you, a man who once portrayed one of the greatest Roman Emperors ever committed to film (he was also said to be a rampant homosexual but that isnt necessarily an indication of your character).

I beg of you, for the good of Hollywood, your siblings Rain, Summer and River (RIP) and Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five, please reconsider, and let MC Phoenix forever remain a figment of your imagination.

Thankyou for your time and Joaquina Matata.

Chris.

P.s. Once again, I know you were raised in a cult but really, if youre going to tell people your name is "Wakeen" and not literally Joaquin, then you could at least spell it that way. It would save your fans a lot of trouble when they try and google your name 10 times before getting it right.