Wiley: One letter of difference = Infinitely more talented.

Brace yourselves blog fans, for I have shocking, and frankly disgusting, news.

One of the music world's most celebrated talents, a performer who has been like a pillar of strength, bearing the weight of the musical dreams of generations of aspiring guitar-owning hippies and thrash metal enthusiasts alike, who stood up for the little man when the suits at the National Academy for Recording Arts and Sciences started giving Grammys to people like Lil' Wayne and Bono, has tarnished their previously impeccable reputation in a singular moment of miscalculation.

This shouldn't happen.

Ok scratch that. It was Miley Cyrus, and she's been a vapid, plastic, money-sucking whore ever since she was birthed in the testicles of her musically defective father Billy Ray.

But enough with the pleasantries.

It recently came to my attention that Miss Cyrus ostracised many of her young fans (read: brainwashed zombie pre-teens), the media and various special interest groups in the latest in a string of offences that seem to indicate that, despite it being in her best interest, she clearly doesnt want her budding career to last longer than the typical pop starlet's (i.e. about as long as it takes them to discover the sweet bliss of crack cocaine).

"But Chris!" you cry at your computer screen. "Surely youre not that stretched for ideas that youre speaking of events that transpired weeks and even months ago?! EVERYONE has already blogged about the infamous Vanity Fair child-porn photo shoot, and the internet has been ablaze for weeks with talk of Miley offending oh ONLY AROUND ONE THIRD OF THE WORLD'S POPULATION with her "Asian face"."

"So then I was all like "I NO SPEAKA DA ENGRISH""

"No, internet" I reply as I sit firmly astride my high horse. I speak of a more recent incident, in which Miley outraged her diehard fans by forgetting the lyrics to her latest song "Fly on the Wall" at a concert in the UK. A concert that her record company paid $320 000 to fly her too.

Now I understand that this sometimes happens. And I understand that Miley must have a hard time keeping her thoughts and memory in check, what with spending half of her waking life thinking she is actually Hannah Monatana: Superslut. But I mean come on, take a look at this sample of the lyrics in question:

You'd love to know the things I do
When I'm with my friends and not with you
You always second guess, wonderin'
If there's other guys I'm flirtin' with
You should know by now

Its not exactly a Shakespearean sonnet. Then theres this:

Don't ya, don't ya
Don't ya, don't ya
Wish you were a?
Hey

Nonexistent sentence structure and the fact that its completely nonsensical aside, its pretty profound stuff.

Such a slip of the mind could normally be forgiven, but for $320 000? I leave you with a small list of things that the $320 000 jet fee could have been better spent on:

- 320 000 pies from local vendor Darby's*
- The ransom for a German immigrant kidnapped in Israel
- A 1 Bed/1 Bath condo in Seattle
- A Rolls Royce Phantom
- A Hong Kong licence plate, number 2318

This guy HATES Miley Cyrus.

All of those things would benefit the world (though to be fair, the majority of the benefits would be reaped by me alone) more than a 16 year old with split personalities robbing innocent people of their hard earned money to see her dance around on a stage entirely too provocatively for someone that ugly, leaching off of her father's undeserved and short-lived fame.

That reminds me, one more use for the money:

- A hitman to have Cyrus taken the fuck out, to soothe the eardrums of the world. And her father too while theyre at it. Why?

Because fuck Achey Breaky Heart, thats why.

- Chris

*Disclaimer: All of these things actually cost $320 000, Im just too lazy to link proof.